Failure

Read a blog of my friend, how she felt is exactly match with my situation & feeling 1 yrs ago...eventhough now, I also
feel the same everyday ....How I going to run away from this octacle?

I am damn lost ! In my career & love!

How to say? I been very down since last 2 years. I been thru pain and failure in my career and love. I m lossing direction on both..till now. Tonite I just want to talk about my career, my job.

I am use to be very happy with my job before, it make me satisfied on money, on power, on freedom and on confidence. And now i' ve loss everything..I m moving out my existing bank to new bank to challenge my abilities. In fact, I was taking an opportunity offered to change the current situation at the time. Now,I am not enjoying my career & don't ever feel satisfation on my daily work or build-up leadership. I m totally out of my control & act like a fly without the direction. I am lost! I know this job is no longer be my priority...What I want is not this...I want more or totally different with the field I am in now...however, dreams & reality is always not equal. You need to leave behind one of them. Therefore, i m standing in a cross road which i don know where should i go.
Before i have decided to quit from my sales job last month, I was like..everyday i m thinking to tender my resignation letter. In other mind, i keep on telling myself to try hard, i haven't do my best yet..i will regret if i just run away without trying hard. Everybody is looking at me to perform my best especially those whom have counted on me...is damn stressful! Everyday, I lived in fear & unsecured to avoid I have failed them n myself too. If i continue, well...its no harm, I still can earn $$$...it JUST..I DONT HAPPY ANYMORE by carrying such a huge responsibility...I am not the one I used to be...Happy Go Lucky! I feel guitiness when I can't deliver my assigned target or upset my team members or what...Just scare going to office everyday...
I can't enjoy freedom as i think of, no flexibility I can handling. I am working hard than before, like cow...but the result does not come to me as i expected...Whats went wrong...myself, company's rules & regulations, market?
Worst result is, i can't even sleep well at night..wake up so many times, just lie on bed, starring on the ceiling with blank mind...dark circles & pimples is my significant outlooks...i only sleep 3-4 hours perday and i feel extremly tired in day time. Whats went wrong? Everytime keep on telling myself : Don't think so much! See, now already 2.05 am, i still can't sleep but writing my blog here...hehe...only way for me to release my stress!

Everything seem to be very wrong after i changed my job...Now, i know the reason. I hate my current job functions & the whole environment which full of lies & pretending...haha...

I wish I knew how to quit it!

And I am going to do it now! I don't care!