Now, i can finally noted that we are just a passerby for each other which i expected in the 1st time i fall into love with...every conversation we had so far, started from caring statements into a simple word only -- "Hi!", "How r u?", "fine"; From long to short sentences, shown that the passionate between us gone... We are just a normal friend, more like a stranger or a cyber friend without any relationship at all, no sharing basis...
Again, after so many years , I thought I am healed from the heart break, I am down instead, hopefully is no hurt much! Yes! no much hurts like before! I finally trained up like there is not a big deal, made it easy dear! Less disappointment & be mind that always carry less expectations on this failure relationship or friendship!
Don't know what the f*ck thinking i was, after been 3 years without my wishes on his birthday, i wished him " Happy Birthday" on Christmas, due to the reason he claimed that he was hurt without my birthday wishes every years. This year, unexpected that he acted like he deserving the wishes from me, damn regret! With careless I was, with the expectation again, I caught myself in the trap again, got hurt again! Now, I realized that there is no reason to continue friendship between us, even as per request by him after we apart ...i am stepping out again, yes i do...
Christmas for me is not a good holiday since then, coz i am still alone thru these yrs...haha... i am celebrating a lonely Christmas ... but for him, he been thru few relationships already...me, still lonely, the loneliness will end up only when i'm falling in again!
Why there is no excitement during X'mas? The reason is X'mas will be a sad day when your ex's birthday fallen into that date, haha....Even you are pretending politely or generous, wishing him birthday specially before the day ended or after many years later u sent your greetings...you are never expecting a cool respond from your ex, rite? If you didn't send out the wishes, u will be blamed. The only reason why from expecting of my wishes to the ignorant for the grateful is he is engaged with someone else again, once more time, a bad timing for me to express my friendship...however, i am wishing him the best for him, deep from my heart, i do wish him happy with every relationship next to me & waiting for the news that he is settle down in marriage or finally found the dream girl he wants for a long term relationship ... i wish I can hear the breaking news from him one day, he is getting married & settle down with kids, then i will be rescued. & go away... that's the only answer i want to listen from him to end up this complicated friendship...when he is settled down, all the sweet & sour memories will buried forever! haha....but, will I be told about that? Never, like he also said...here, I recall a song " Someone like you", a song dedicate to him & share to me before, touched my heart & always tearing while listening the song...
In these years, I had try my very best to be friend with him, like normal, no more further relationship with him, comfort zone, no sadness, no sorrows, no happy, no tear, no love...peace....but God knew, it's the most difficult task in this world! I am tried my very best to complete that. But, how hard i been tried, end up like: never ever think to back to just friend with your exs, cos is wasting time & your sense of motions! Furthermore, you are getting hurt one more time! Pls learn from lesson!
In my mind, i am getting to over him year by year, i am improving...I always stop myself to look back! to hurt myself by going closer to him, Never think for the past, which made me heartbreak, leave the sadness away from me! Love myself!
What made mei always recalled about past? I know, because I am missing the "Me" whom was loving someone like that, i am looking backward to find myself in past, my passionate in loving someone like yesterday! Too bad, I can't go back, i can't find myself like that anymore! I wish to be in love, i wish to have confident on someone, i am willing to trust someone but the truth is, i totally lost my patient & passion in love...I let go every opportunity to get into love & close the door for those whom is admiring me, i am blocked by the lonesome i build in my heart. The fortune "HIM" is blocked by me, die! Bury me into satin!
Look! I will die alone! oh! I wish i won't die alone, i wish to be in love again, again....to prevent the situation happened, no matter who is the next one, I must be brave to step out & give chance to myself, so, guys, pls be patient on me before i gain back the confidence again, be there with me with joy & keep on moving with me into new relationships, cos worthy, i am not so bad, rite?
Dear God, I am praying now...pls listen...
