孤寂

这几个月来， 心中的寂寞感越来越深。。。就快要爆发了！
能说话，能倾诉的朋友也渐渐减少。 更不用说会真正了解我了！
心情糟透到级点！眼泪常在眼眶打转十多回。。。常在夜深人静时， 包着枕头哭泣。
我的未来在那里？ 一个人， 像个没有目标的风筝， 不知道怎么去主宰！
现在的工作让我迷失了原有的梦想， 理想的生活离我越来越远。。。更糟糕的是， 我的心灵与体力已日渐耗损着。。。
爱， 对我来说是奢侈品吧！
曾经深爱着的男人， 选择离乡背景创造未来，计划里也不再有我，心是寒的。。。 是死的。。。距离越来越远。。。抓不着， 让他走。。。放生了他， 放弃了我的快乐。。。所以我封锁了我自己。。。塑立厚厚围墙，男人禁入。坏男人滚开！哈！
空窗的690个日子里，更澈底的看清楚了男欢女爱的游戏规则， 老掉牙的∶ 爱我的人， 我不爱； 我爱的人， 不爱我。。。所以世上才会有这么多的怨偶， 篇织着浪漫但凄美的爱情故事。。。
刚刚与一个曾经以为懂我的人msn, 才知道他并没有真正去了解与关怀我。。。
也许一开始都不曾了解我吧！人说爱情是盲目的， 我也认了。在现在的关系里， 不算有任何的关系， 因为它是grey zone...彼此不再去碰触爱情两个字， 因为怕互相伤害对方， 到头来连朋友也蒙想做下去。 没有了爱的存在， 关系是多么的令人心寒。虽说感情是有的， 但日渐淡化， 没有也罢！至少对我来讲是这样。。。熟悉的陌生人， 也就是分手情人们的写照吧！熟悉但又陌生。。。

我发现到， 大多数的chatting 里， 嘘寒问暖的人是我，聍听的也都是我，好没意思噢！ 每次都只听他说他的， 工作工作， 五花八门的夜生活， 浪漫史。。。烦！

自找的，我的贪恋， 令自己险入这么不堪的局面吧！ 活该！

在忙碌的现实生活中， 人们丁点儿的关心是会被削薄掉的！

我是个贪心的家伙， 不想只能谈这些， 我要的是分享， 不是一味的发唠骚， 耍脾气！因为如果说， 要继续做朋友， 是不容有这些负面情绪，分享很重要。 或许没有了爱与疼惜， 也不会察觉到我的喜怒哀乐吧！ 这就是被劈腿后还顾做大方接受对方友谊之手的无奈与悲哀！

遇到心情好时， 无关痛痒； 但， 遇到心情糟的时候， 心情没被好好的安慰的话， 心情简直掉落到谷底，只想赶快下线。失落感和孤寞也接着侵袭你！

很想出外找个男人来发泄，情绪上的发泄也好， 肉体上的发泄也好， 就想宣泄一下！ 哎！

真搞不懂自己，是白痴吗？ 好友也不是只有一个， 为何要自取其辱， 偏偏要自讨苦吃呢？

想了千遍万遍， 是自己还在贪恋曾经拥有过的温柔吧！因它， 曾是暖的。。。
失落感越强，心也越沉！

不再期待，孤独一生。 是我现在的爱情观。
天呀！我还要被考验多久， 才能找到我的真爱？饶了我吧！
我的王子几时才来打救我呢？ 我好累了， 快要跨了！ 别让我均有的感动也消失了， 到时就算遇见理想的男人， 我也无心去争取！
神呀！ 您有没有听到我的祷告？我可是很虔诚的哦！

blog

摘自星洲日报:

打開部落格，空白面永遠空白。

總覺得沒有甚麼好寫的。

日子是自己的，關別人甚麼事呢？

記錄下來，是怕自己忘記？

或者是要说與他人知？

能夠忘記的事，記下來做甚麼？

說與他人知？

私人的生活，誰有興趣呢？

別人去旅游，回來打開他的照相簿，你會投入去觀賞？

感覺那人極不識趣，強迫人看他的相簿，像按牛的頭喝水一樣。

只有去旅游的他自己開心在回味罷了。

想一想，索性把部落格銷掉。

Failure

Read a blog of my friend, how she felt is exactly match with my situation & feeling 1 yrs ago...eventhough now, I also
feel the same everyday ....How I going to run away from this octacle?

I am damn lost ! In my career & love!

How to say? I been very down since last 2 years. I been thru pain and failure in my career and love. I m lossing direction on both..till now. Tonite I just want to talk about my career, my job.

I am use to be very happy with my job before, it make me satisfied on money, on power, on freedom and on confidence. And now i' ve loss everything..I m moving out my existing bank to new bank to challenge my abilities. In fact, I was taking an opportunity offered to change the current situation at the time. Now,I am not enjoying my career & don't ever feel satisfation on my daily work or build-up leadership. I m totally out of my control & act like a fly without the direction. I am lost! I know this job is no longer be my priority...What I want is not this...I want more or totally different with the field I am in now...however, dreams & reality is always not equal. You need to leave behind one of them. Therefore, i m standing in a cross road which i don know where should i go.
Before i have decided to quit from my sales job last month, I was like..everyday i m thinking to tender my resignation letter. In other mind, i keep on telling myself to try hard, i haven't do my best yet..i will regret if i just run away without trying hard. Everybody is looking at me to perform my best especially those whom have counted on me...is damn stressful! Everyday, I lived in fear & unsecured to avoid I have failed them n myself too. If i continue, well...its no harm, I still can earn $$$...it JUST..I DONT HAPPY ANYMORE by carrying such a huge responsibility...I am not the one I used to be...Happy Go Lucky! I feel guitiness when I can't deliver my assigned target or upset my team members or what...Just scare going to office everyday...
I can't enjoy freedom as i think of, no flexibility I can handling. I am working hard than before, like cow...but the result does not come to me as i expected...Whats went wrong...myself, company's rules & regulations, market?
Worst result is, i can't even sleep well at night..wake up so many times, just lie on bed, starring on the ceiling with blank mind...dark circles & pimples is my significant outlooks...i only sleep 3-4 hours perday and i feel extremly tired in day time. Whats went wrong? Everytime keep on telling myself : Don't think so much! See, now already 2.05 am, i still can't sleep but writing my blog here...hehe...only way for me to release my stress!

Everything seem to be very wrong after i changed my job...Now, i know the reason. I hate my current job functions & the whole environment which full of lies & pretending...haha...

I wish I knew how to quit it!

And I am going to do it now! I don't care!

New in blogging

hee..hee...finally I created my personal blog...very exciting!
Many things can write here...what shall I start first huh? Express my thinkings / feelings / opinions / complaints; sad or happy? All over here I think.
In chinese or english version? Aiyo! Who cares? This is my blog K! Haha...
Don't know what to say now, just happy & happy!
: - )